A waterfall doesn’t hold back.
At her peak, she is powerful and mighty. Pouring down with full force, she doesn’t worry about whether she is too much or not enough. She radiates. She cascades. She overflows. Her liquid light reflecting the sun.
At her base, she is nurturing and healing. Running like a river, she is fluid, momentous, and abundant. She doesn’t judge, edit or criticize. She surrounds. She embraces. She gives life. Her unconditional love flowing freely from the Earth.
For so long, I've held back.
Afraid of stepping into my full power. Owning my whole truth. Expressing the immensity of my darkness and my light. Like so many of us, I have been contained and conditioned, repressed and restrained. Whether explicitly or implicitly, externally or internally I've been under control and made to play small.
In January, I was guided through a powerful clearing session when I had a vision. I saw myself at the bottom of a well, rain pouring down, in tears. I saw my father looking down at me, not able to understand my emotional waters. Not sure what to do, he walked away.
I saw others pass by, some filled their cups to the brim while others ignored me entirely. I felt an urge to bring them inside, express myself, share more of me, but I was afraid of being too much. I was afraid that if I showed them who I really am I might drown them or that if I gave them everything I might still not be enough. So for protection, I contained myself in a well.
Fast forward to May, one of the lead facilitators who had guided me through the clearing session invited me to her women’s retreat in Bali, Indonesia.
The word facilitator does not do this woman justice. This super soul is a divinely appointed Shamanic Earth Priestess, Spiritual Guide, and Bringer of Light. Her name is Anna Maria Magdalena and through her Shamanic Shakti & Tantrika Arts women's retreat, she led 14 Women on what I like to call the "Shakti Embodiment Ship", a collective Goddessy to discover the divine feminine within.
While the inner work was challenging, all in all, the entire retreat was like the 12 days of Christmas, gift after gift after gift. But the most generous gift Anna Maria shared was bringing us to her home on the sacred land at Les Waterfall in North Bali.
The intention with the Waterfall excursion was to release what is no longer serving us, creating space for calling in and manifesting our dreams. At the base of Les Waterfall there’s a large lingam shaped rock, which they call the “Pillar of Light”. When letting go, you face the Pillar, holding on for dear life. When calling in your dreams, you turn around with the Pillar at your back towards the light.
It was a deeply moving experience watching each woman go under the waterfall one by one. Some screamed, some surrendered. I didn’t know what each woman was going through but I could feel and see the transformation transpiring.
During catalytic moments like these I usually come in with a crystal clear intention. I am strongly attuned to what needs to clear and what I desire to invite in but this time, nothing came. Imagine, a woman who loves words and no words arrived.
I was the last Shakti to go underneath the waterfall. As I walked towards Anna Maria, she took my hand smiling and said, “Welcome to the Ship.”
When I went in, the waterfall engulfed me. She didn’t stop to ask what I wanted, what temperature I liked or how much pressure felt good. She beat down on me relentlessly. She didn’t hold back. I was so struck by her power, all I could do was lean into her and feel her full force.
As I did, my mind started racing, what should I be letting go of? This is an important moment, what do I have to say? I struggled. It was so intense. My mind went blank. The waterfall was so strong that my swimsuit nearly came off. I finally realized there was nothing I could do, nothing to achieve. Slowly, I surrendered.
Minutes felt like hours as I stayed still and listened. Then I heard a soft whisper, “I am done being a well.”
I heard it again a bit louder, “I am done being a well.” Again and again. “I am done being a well. I am done being a well. I am done being a well.” As this happened, I began to play out all the micro-moments where I had been a well. Contained. Constrained. Repressed. Afraid of my femininity, my sexuality, my sensuality, my power. I felt the pain of holding myself back, controlling myself for years and I wailed.
Then the time came to turn around and face the light. Boundless water continued to beat down and I felt like I might drown. But rather than fight it or fear it, I drank it in and received it.
It was in that moment, drinking in her liquid light that I heard another whisper spring from inside of me,“I am ready to be a waterfall." Another time, clearer, "I am ready to be a waterfall." Again and again ringing, vibrating through my body, "I am ready to be a waterfall. I am ready to be a waterfall. I am ready to be a waterfall."
Then it all came together.
I bellowed from the center of my womb to the top of my lungs:
I AM DONE BEING A WELL. I AM READY TO BE A WATERFALL.
Declaring my power. Owning my truth. Overflowing in love.
When I came out of the waterfall, Anna Maria was there. I looked into the ocean within her eyes. She held my feet to ground me. She blessed my body and received me into her loving arms. We laughed out loud.
And that’s when I finally understood, I was never a well, I have always been a waterfall.
Infinite gratitude to Anna Maria and the Shakti's aboard this Goddessy. Thank you for your bravery in crossing the chasm of this epic voyage together.
We are all light. We are all love. We are all beauty.