truth

STEPPING INTO STILLNESS | 17 DIAS EN SILENCIO

“Be quiet in your mind, quiet in your senses, and also quiet in your body. Then, when all these are quiet, don’t do anything. In that state, truth will reveal itself to you.” — Kabir

Tomorrow, I begin 17 days of silence as a part of a silent meditation retreat at Hridaya Yoga in Oaxaca, Mexico.

While I mostly feel open, willing and ready to step into stillness, I also feel scared.

It’s amazing to paint yourself up to be this strong, capable, trail-blazing woman who of all things, is scared of silence and sitting still.

In the yogic tradition, realized beings transcended themselves and surrendered to something much greater. They sat in silence and meditated in caves for days, months, even years, reaching states of Samadhi (ecstasy, absorption in the essence of reality) and Nirvana (ultimate bliss) that most of us could never imagine.

While I won’t be sitting in a cave, I will be journeying inside into my innermost chambers, where I hope to come into deep resonance and intimacy with self (and Self). It is there that I also hope to engage in a process of discernment.

You see, while I know I have the gift of “a voice”, I also recognize I’ve accumulated many perspectives over the years, countless stories, media, messages, and loads of social and cultural conditioning. And while I accept and embrace all of this as a part of my karma, I also understand that the mind, even a beautiful mind, can be a prison.

Yogic sage and mystic, Ramana Maharashi says, “Your own self-realization is the greatest service you can render the world.”

I dedicate this time in silence and this lifetime as a whole in service of That.

100 blessings to you and see you on the other side.

xx,
Lotus

#heroinesjourney #yearofsurrender

WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM SILENCE?

I have a lot to learn about life.

I think I know some things but the truth is I’m only touching the surface.

The world is vast.

They say God speaks in silence and everything else is a poor translation.

So I wonder, what can we learn from silence?

I suspect many things. In society, if you don’t have a voice you are considered weak. At an early age, our very survival depends on our ability to cry out.

Silence can also be dangerous. People and the planet suffering in silence. Many of us who notice look away because we don’t know what to do or too afraid to act on what we know. 

For a long time, I’ve found strength in having a voice. I found that my voice is what got me through countless life situations and provided a direct channel to my heart. Over the last several years my channels have opened to receive messages from my higher self, guardian angels, and Source itself.

I have given these energies a voice.

But I’ve also had times of forced silence where I’ve lost my voice. At first, it was difficult and felt like a punishment. Partly because of societal conditions and partly because time out or being grounded was the preferred method of punishment growing up.

But then I found peace in silence. I found the world opened to me in an entirely new way. I felt so relieved to not have to talk. I felt like people who were willing to engage with me understood me in a whole new way. The three or four times this has happened have been some of the most revelatory experiences of my life.

My dad always said the only thing that will get you in trouble is your mouth. And I get that, I overpromise and under deliver, I commit to things I know are unlikely for me to live up to. Why do I do this to myself and others?

Simply put, I’m afraid. Afraid that if I don’t I won’t be lovable or good enough. I make the same mistake over and over that other people’s happiness is dependent on me. That their state of being is contingent on me. The truth is it isn’t. But I do have a responsibility to be in integrity with my word. Every time I don’t keep my word it means less and less which makes me try more and more but I’ve set myself up for failure.

My word is my wand. My voice is my truth. It has an impact in many ways I’ll never fully know. So perhaps it’s time to think before I speak. To choose silence and wisdom over the need to control conversations and be liked. 

Time to try a new way.

So let's begin with silence.

GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION

Give yourself permission to be unreasonably, irresponsibly, threateningly AMAZING.

In my desire to be a good person I gave up my power and surrendered my truth.

I traded in my uniqueness to fit in. I traded in my opinions for social acceptance. I traded in my heart’s desires for shelter from rejection, pain, and suffering.

Frankly, I’m tired of this shit.

I’m tired of playing it safe. I’m tired of staying in my lane. I’m tired of acting small. I’m tired of trying so hard to make people happy. I’m tired of hiding how I really feel. I’m tired of the “am I enough?” trap. I’m tired of trying to hit the moving target of impossible, imaginary expectations. I’m tired of conditional authenticity. I’m tired of my own bullshit.

As a wise woman once pointed out to me on a plane, “it’s like you’re speaking just above your heart.” I have been a lotus flower surrounded by glass. The lotus appears to be open but she’s trying to protect herself by placing herself in a glass box. In her aim to protect, she is also filtering and constricting herself from igniting into her true potential.

In my desire to be a good person I forgot the fullness of who I have been.

And now I am starting to remember the parts that I’d be embarrassed to admit, the parts that didn’t make it to Facebook.

I’m remembering that in my desire for attention, I have been overreactive and immature.

I have been told I can be selfish, bitchy, and mean.

I have lied, cheated, and stolen.

I have berated and edited my body, mind, and spirit.

I have overindulged and purged.

I have been manipulative, using my charm to get what I want.

This is the underbelly of my humanness.

And rather than shy away from it, I’m ready to accept and embrace it.

Milky Way Sculptures  by Mihoko Ogaki

Milky Way Sculptures by Mihoko Ogaki

ALL OF IT.

My BIG soulful desires, my WELL of emotions, and my unimaginable dreams. I'm exposing my darkness with my blinding light. I'm seeing they are yin & yang, two parts of the same whole. 

I don’t care if I’m too intense or that I am over-sharing.

I’m not who you think I am, you are who you think I am.

I say that not to offend you but as a statement of truth. We are all mirrors. Projecting, reflecting, replaying our own life scenes, dream sequences, and storylines onto one another. Once you begin observing yourself play out your patterns on others in real time, it’s a fucking trip.

As we bounce our desires, fears, needs, hopes, doubts, traumas, insecurities, and more off one another, it’s easy to act like it’s not happening or its all good if we just casually say, “love you!” at the end of the sentence.

That can’t be who we really are.

But I’ll speak for myself, what I’m seeing is I don’t need someone to hold space for me, validate me, understand me, or complete me.

I got me. 

I am an infinite being. Whole and complete. With goals, dreams and a desire to make a difference. I have all of my own answers and I am contributing to each of you right now.

The same is true for you.

YOU are an infinite being. Whole and complete. With goals, dreams and a desire to make a difference. You have all of your own answers and YOU are contributing to ME and everyone around you right now.

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Someone wise once said to me, your job isn’t to feel good, it’s to be real.

This is what it feels like to really be with yourself:

You get to sit naked in the burning sauna of yourself and sweat it out.

It will be sticky, hard to breathe, and sometimes unbearable but damn, real is so beautiful.

Through this healing journey, I see now that I am the one I have been waiting for.

In my hurry to grow up, I left my soul behind. And here I am for what feels like the first time in my life listening, loving, patiently, unconditionally more and more each day.

Self-love is one hell of a drug.

Give yourself permission to take infinity!

With that real real love love,

Kelsey Lotus Wong