courage

SWAN DIVE. HEART FIRST.

“We are of the same drop. A multitude of droplets made into the whole.” As channeled by Anne Koller as part of  Follow the Water  | Captured by Zanette Johnson

“We are of the same drop. A multitude of droplets made into the whole.” As channeled by Anne Koller as part of Follow the Water | Captured by Zanette Johnson

I find myself at another turning point, completing another cycle of letting go. 

On the outside, it looks like one big adventure but that’s only the tip of the iceberg. 

There is far more beneath the surface. There are tidal waves in these waters. It’s emotional. 

I’ve spent the last year “Completing the Hero’s Journey” (<-- see blog post), answering the call to adventure and charging into the unknown. Over the course of the last month and a half, I've been making the return journey down memory lane in a live-in van to see the people and places I’ve called home. 

And as this sun sets, another sun rises on the next stage called the Heroine’s Journey (<-- not the same as a female Hero's Journey, read Maureen Murdock's article). It is here that I take the plunge, diving deeper into my inner chambers and subconscious on a quest for healing and wholeness. 

As I take steps into this new realm I often feel clumsy, messy, unruly, flawed, and unacceptable. Combine this with full-time travel, balancing work and relationships and all of a sudden you unearth trigger after trigger. Connected to a host of untrue stories, hidden insecurities, fears, and worries. 

I have insecurities about the "imperfections" of my body, the frenetic tendencies of my mind, the restlessness of my spirit, and the sensitive unpredictability of my heart.

I fear I am an imposter. I fear that I don’t know what I’m doing. I fear that I can’t take care of myself. 

I worry I’m too much. I worry I’m not good enough. I worry I’m not worthy of love.

At the temple at Burning Man this year I read one message I hope to never forget. It was a tribute to an amazing man named Robert. On the back of his memorial program, it said,  “Thank you to Robert who taught me that fear is just a lack of faith and worry is a misuse of imagination.”

Such a good reminder to get out of my head and return to the heart. Still, sometimes I feel completely mad like I am on the brink of schizophrenia.  

One recent discovery that has provided support was found on a hypnojourney (small group healing hypnosis experience, a bit of a mix between meditation and visualization, which I plan to write about in full soon!). The theme of the hypnojourney was "Tending the Inner Garden" where we were led on an inner voyage to discover our Creative Muse.

As we were guided into our inner gardens, we were led by our spirit guides (mine is a Cheetah) to meet our potential muses. The first one I met was a blossoming flowering Earth Goddess. I was ecstatic to meet her and was certain she was my muse! She embodied my ideal vision of a Creatrix with all of her colorful, flowing vibrancy and fertility. In the hypnojourney we were asked to send light from our hearts to the being and if the light was returned then they were our muse. 

As I beamed my light to her with immense joy, she did not beam back. 

I waited and waited to see if it was really true.

Nothing.

Disappointed and confused, I finally accepted that perhaps she and I might have a different relationship but that she was not my Creative Muse. I carried on and after a while, my spirit guide brought me to a dark forest.

In the forest I saw a lake surrounded by lush trees. It was a bit spooky. But then I saw a Swan gliding silently beneath the luminescence of the moon. This is when I truly became hypnotized, I watched as the Swan glided effortless with ease and grace in an infinity-shaped loop.

swan.jpg

My next reaction after seeing this exquisite creature was, she’s not my muse. She’s too elegant and I’m too messy. It can’t be her. I tried to leave and move on to another area but she kept presenting herself in my consciousness. Enchanting me.

As the hypnotherapist had instructed, I sent a light beam from my heart to her and to my surprise, she received it. What she did next astonished me. She responded by beaming her light and creating a golden orb beneath the water that radiated into ripples. 

From there, we were encouraged to offer our muse a gift. I thought what can I possibly give a swan? The hypnotherapist said, "Whatever it is that comes to you first, go with it." So I offered her an eternal rose. When she accepted the rose it was enveloped by her white feathers and left a trail of rose petals behind as she glided.

She offered me a gift in return, a thin golden vile with an elixir to transcend time (WOW).

The last thing I heard before I woke from the hypnojourney were two words, “Swan Dive”. 

I didn’t know what a Swan Dive was so after waking I asked my friend Harper who said, “A swan dive is standing on the edge and leaping into the darkness.”

And that’s exactly how this next stage feels. 

Follow the Water  presents "H2Flow: A Sunset Water Dance" | Captured by Zanette Johnson

Follow the Water presents "H2Flow: A Sunset Water Dance" | Captured by Zanette Johnson

The journey continues! The very next day, I attended "H2Flow: A Sunset Water Dance" at Alameda Beach where these photos were taken. Together, we sat in a circle and offered our intention and prayer. When it was my turn I offered my surrender with the intention of a "Swan Dive Into the Darkness". After we danced, a soul sister and one of the hosts of the evening, Anne said, “Lotus are you ready for your Swan Dive?” 

Hand in hand, step-by-step we journeyed into the cold ocean water towards the setting sun. This moment was overwhelming, I was brimming with joy and tears. 

Letting go is a mostly difficult and very necessary thing to do. That evening I saw how Mother Earth so graciously let's go of the sun. With love trusting that it will return the next day. 

And so I must summon my willpower to surrender too. 

It's going to be a windy journey with plenty of up's and downs. But I'm no longer running and hiding, I’m ready to go all in.

Swan Dive. Heart First. 

xx,
Lotus

P.S. Join Follow the Water for more "H2Flow: Sunset Water Dance" in Alameda, California. If you're curious to learn more about Healing Hypnosis or want to schedule a virtual hypnosis session, email me hi@kelseykwong.com and I'll put you in touch. 

Follow the Water  presents "H2Flow: A Sunset Water Dance" | Captured by Zanette Johnson

Follow the Water presents "H2Flow: A Sunset Water Dance" | Captured by Zanette Johnson

AN UNDENIABLE YES

You may have known me once, or thought you knew me, you may know me now or think you do.

But the truth is, I change everyday. I can barely keep up with who I am and what I want and I’ll bet you change too. Of course there are things about each of us that are constant, much of which is DNA and more of which is deeper, value-driven, culture-driven, stemming from a place of purpose, imbedded in our souls.

This purpose presents itself in moments of inspiration, in acts of kindness and in choices no one understands but you.

Last night I stumbled upon one of those moments as I was skimming through an older journal. I always keep a journal and it amazes me to look back and transport myself to those moments. Just like any good book, you can become totally encapsulated.

My thoughts start from middle school with such simple problems, “who do I like this week?” “what did I do to get in trouble again?” to post-graduate thoughts “what do I want to do with my life?” “what kind of impact do I want to make on Earth?”.

This particular piece was written during an Activist workshop about self-care, where I was asked to write from my soul.

To take a deeper look into the person I continue to be. Read on.

11/29/12
 
What is the sum of our existence on earth? How can we heal this place? Where am I, where have I been, who was I then?
 
Shed identity, shed this life, shed all. This life could’ve been anyone’s, this body, mind and spirit anything, but in this life, it’s mine.

What discoveries have I unveiled? Inventions, inspiration, moments of undeniable brilliance. My soul feels so pure and yet I know my deep inner wisdom is being accessed more and more each day. I often wonder who I’ve been and where I have gone, I know the answers are inside of me, with each life experience they become unlocked.
 
In moments of darkness I had light. In moments of development, challenge and disbelief I found hope. A strong sense of self, an energetic purity, sense of imagination, curiosity and wonder that has gone beyond my wildest dreams.
 
And in this sudden exploration of voice and fury where I am delving into my innermost being, I ask myself, what will be my greatest gift in this life? The love and peace I feel now, will it last? The fire lit inside, will it ever be defused? When there’s courage needed, will it be available? Will I recognize it in me as I do in others? Will I continue to grow and be all that I aspire to? The dreams that I have in my days, will they be realized?
 
The answer within me to all is an undeniable yes. One that pumps my heart and sends each beat into my lungs, my voice, my words, my vision, my thoughts, my feelings, and everything I am. My innermost wisdom tells me, do not worry, for worries belong in the future, regrets in the past.
 
My soul tells me, use your laser focus in your work, clear your world of obstacles, embrace challenges, be open to love and light and laughter. Experience joy, don’t run from it. If the divine gives it to you, give it to others and be your best here now, in this moment and the next.
 
In this life and beyond, let your soul dance, be free and understand that there are not always answers.
 
It just is.

Love,
 
Your Soul.