HEARTBROKEN. HEART OPEN.

  You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. — Rumi

You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. — Rumi

Today, I feel homesick. Really homesick.

Why?

  • Maybe it’s because I’m growing and it’s scary.
  • Maybe it’s because I’m letting go and questioning everything I thought I knew.
  • Maybe it’s because I’m going farther than ever before, risking a good life for an unknown but potentially remarkable one.

Maybe it doesn’t matter why and it’s just okay to miss home.

I shared this feeling with my friend Tanya who said…

“Love. You are the deepest part of you all the time. I want you to bring history (herstory) forward. And your future back. And allow yourself to miss it. And to let it live inside you as part of your life. Part of your being. You are immaculately beautiful. And all the things you miss are with you forever.”

Damn, this wise woman is fucking right!

The people, places, and moments are woven into the fabric of my life story. Never to be repeated the same way twice. Furthermore, these people, places, and moments are rooting for me, loving and supporting me every step of the way.

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And after three months in Southeast Asia and seven months on the road, now is a good time to remember why I made this choice.

Why I nonsensically flew halfway around the world, by myself, to a remote island where I had spent less than a week and knew less than a handful of people.

  • I flew halfway around the world to show myself I loved myself. My body begged me to take better care of her. My spirit was suffering and my energy was depleted.
  • I flew halfway around the world to give myself space to be. My inner child asked me to BE with her, to PLAY with her, and to CHOOSE her first.
  • I flew halfway around the world to step into my womanhood. My divine femininity felt shut down. My sexuality and sensuality contained. My creative power and life force blocked.  

Here I have had the space to reconnect and revitalize.

  • To come home to my body.
  • To come home to my spirit.
  • To come home to my energy.

To enter a State of Grace where purpose, presence, and divinity meet.

To invite the vibrant, expressive, creative child within me to play.

To allow the wild, howling, untamed woman within me to be free. 

Above every sky is another sky. Beneath every ocean another ocean.

I’ve come this far only to see, I am only scratching the surface of my immensity.

And yet, I can't help but look backwards and wonder if it’s too late to turn around; to swim back to the sunny shores of my comfort zone. To return to the places and people who know me or at least who knew me.

Even if I were to turn back now I ask myself: Will I be accepted and understood as this newly revealed me? Will my past life fit anymore? Will I revert back to my old patterns? Will I lose myself once again?

Though these sound like fears, deep down they are expressions of love. Love for what I've found and love for what I've left behind. 

They say if you love something, set it free.

So today my soul surrenders. 

  • I surrender to heartbreak.
  • I surrender to homesick.
  • I surrender to vulnerability.
  • I surrender to the unknown.
  • I surrender to love and I set her free.

With gratitude and grace,
Lotus

p.s. this is a collaborative playlist I created called HOME. Feel free to add songs that bring you comfort on your journey.