GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION

Give yourself permission to be unreasonably, irresponsibly, threateningly AMAZING.

In my desire to be a good person I gave up my power and surrendered my truth.

I traded in my uniqueness to fit in. I traded in my opinions for social acceptance. I traded in my heart’s desires for shelter from rejection, pain, and suffering.

Frankly, I’m tired of this shit.

I’m tired of playing it safe. I’m tired of staying in my lane. I’m tired of acting small. I’m tired of trying so hard to make people happy. I’m tired of hiding how I really feel. I’m tired of the “am I enough?” trap. I’m tired of trying to hit the moving target of impossible, imaginary expectations. I’m tired of conditional authenticity. I’m tired of my own bullshit.

As a wise woman once pointed out to me on a plane, “it’s like you’re speaking just above your heart.” I have been a lotus flower surrounded by glass. The lotus appears to be open but she’s trying to protect herself by placing herself in a glass box. In her aim to protect, she is also filtering and constricting herself from igniting into her true potential.

In my desire to be a good person I forgot the fullness of who I have been.

And now I am starting to remember the parts that I’d be embarrassed to admit, the parts that didn’t make it to Facebook.

I’m remembering that in my desire for attention, I have been overreactive and immature.

I have been told I can be selfish, bitchy, and mean.

I have lied, cheated, and stolen.

I have berated and edited my body, mind, and spirit.

I have overindulged and purged.

I have been manipulative, using my charm to get what I want.

This is the underbelly of my humanness.

And rather than shy away from it, I’m ready to accept and embrace it.

  Milky Way Sculptures  by Mihoko Ogaki

Milky Way Sculptures by Mihoko Ogaki

ALL OF IT.

My BIG soulful desires, my WELL of emotions, and my unimaginable dreams. I'm exposing my darkness with my blinding light. I'm seeing they are yin & yang, two parts of the same whole. 

I don’t care if I’m too intense or that I am over-sharing.

I’m not who you think I am, you are who you think I am.

I say that not to offend you but as a statement of truth. We are all mirrors. Projecting, reflecting, replaying our own life scenes, dream sequences, and storylines onto one another. Once you begin observing yourself play out your patterns on others in real time, it’s a fucking trip.

As we bounce our desires, fears, needs, hopes, doubts, traumas, insecurities, and more off one another, it’s easy to act like it’s not happening or its all good if we just casually say, “love you!” at the end of the sentence.

That can’t be who we really are.

But I’ll speak for myself, what I’m seeing is I don’t need someone to hold space for me, validate me, understand me, or complete me.

I got me. 

I am an infinite being. Whole and complete. With goals, dreams and a desire to make a difference. I have all of my own answers and I am contributing to each of you right now.

The same is true for you.

YOU are an infinite being. Whole and complete. With goals, dreams and a desire to make a difference. You have all of your own answers and YOU are contributing to ME and everyone around you right now.

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Someone wise once said to me, your job isn’t to feel good, it’s to be real.

This is what it feels like to really be with yourself:

You get to sit naked in the burning sauna of yourself and sweat it out.

It will be sticky, hard to breathe, and sometimes unbearable but damn, real is so beautiful.

Through this healing journey, I see now that I am the one I have been waiting for.

In my hurry to grow up, I left my soul behind. And here I am for what feels like the first time in my life listening, loving, patiently, unconditionally more and more each day.

Self-love is one hell of a drug.

Give yourself permission to take infinity!

With that real real love love,

Kelsey Lotus Wong